Monday, December 20, 2010

Deliberating Directions

Over the last two weeks I've had a rollercoaster of emotions.  It began when we suddenly realized that we can no longer afford our bad investment mistake fancy house. I mean we could never afford it, it just that up to this point with God's grace we've managed to make the payments.   When I look back at these several years, it amazes me that a part-timer and a self-employer of a tiny business has managed not to loose this place to a bank during the height of a recession.   God's grace, again.  However, that might soon change.  When it finally hit us, I (my husband probably as well, but he expressed it in a more silent way than I did) went to stage 2.  Panic.  Everything from where will we go to where will be our children's new school be hurricaned my brain.  When a possible leaving situation was negotiated, I went to stage 3.  This stage is probably part of one's survival mechanism.  It is responsible for deliberating one's alternative options.  Should we try to sell this place or rent it out?  Should we try to modify the loan (again) or should we find ways to increase our income?  All these different directions; which one should we take?  As my brain was exploding from all this thinking, I found my self in church during worship.

Now, I have to be honest that I have always believed that it is individual's responsiblity to get him/her self out of the mess that they have created.  Personal accountability is high on my list.  So what I was seeking that morning was wisdom and peace to come from my God whom I know not to be the Santa Clause he is often perceived to be, but a loving father that sometimes lets his children fail.

So, as I was praying with tears coming down my face and  worship music in the background, I was seeking direction.  And by the time the worship was over, I am happy to report that I got what I really needed.  Peace.  No, God did not engage in my business endeavors.  But he spoke to my heart saying that I already have soooo much and a house is so insignificant in comparison.  He reminded me that I have healthy, loving, smart, beautiful children.  He reminded me that I have supportive, generous, talented, loving, caring, husband without whom I cannot imagine my life.  I was raised in a two parent family with parents who instilled so many great values in me and have supported me through education and who love my children enough to spoil them crazy.  I have my sister who is my second (to my husband) best friend.  All of my needs are met.  And. it. doesn't. matter. what happens to the pieces of lumber that hold the roof. Period.

So we are starting our walk one direction at a time and if all of the roads come to a dead end, then we'll be packing our bags.  If/When that takes place, I want to remember that day when panic turned to peace and feelings turned to reason and future contemplations were replaced with treasuring the present.

I want to internalize this and have it be the way of life and not merely an emotional spur. 

1 comment:

  1. Zhenya I will be in prayer for you and your family so that this peacefulness will not be fleeting but that it will be the way you can approach all the scary things in life. ((sigh)) looking forward to when I can do it consistently as well.