Today completes day 9 of my baby's sickness. He started off with croup which then led to a mysterious infection that made him feverish the last few days. He was as hot as fire today the entire day even with Tylenol in his system. I finally put aside my antibiotic bias and gave him a doze of the pink stuff. So, I am holding myself back from making this a "feel sorry for me" post and will NOT tell you that my sleep has been interrupted at least 10 times each of the 9 nights and will NOT tell you how exhausted I am because of it and surely you WON'T want to hear that I am missing my memory again. Badly. I WON'T tell you those things because you've heard them all from me before and even me is getting tired of listening to me whine.
But I will tell you that today I did have a chance to meditate for a few hours (and read a whole bunch of blogs) while holding my baby as he napped. Mean moms, don't even go there. I know what you are thinking and no, I couldn't put him down because see paragraph one.
So with my hands tied up, as I was watching his heavy breathing and stroking through his shiny brown hair for hours I had a revelation. I understood how little control we have over our kids and how much control they have over us, their parents when they are sick. All these (whole 5) years I thought WE ruled their lives. It turns out that I was in great denial! It is my kids that decide if I am going to make dinner with numerous ingredients or opt to roast a whole chicken. It is them that are in charge of the clean/dirty state of my house. It is by watching them that I make a decision to leave the house or stick around at home. They are ultimately responsible for the amount of energy we have to allocate to 'just for us time' in the evening. Whether I stay home or go to church on Sunday also largely depends on them.
When a kid gets sick, everything and everyone else in the family is put on the back burner. Nothing seems as important as attending to the needs of that one little human. All plans fall apart and your further actions are determined solely by that child.
Today, I read a whole bunch of blogs by moms who as you are reading this are making homemade organic yogurt, butter and other goodies and I signed. I didn't even make it to the grocery store to buy these things today. Maybe I am a slacker, or maybe I need to get a grip. Or maybe I need to be just where I am now, holding my sick baby as long as he wants me to and make homemade yogurt when he is actually feeling up to eating some.