Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hurrying the Clock

As of lately, I catch myself thinking a lot about the future. More so, it seems like I am often anxious to speed up the time as I can hardly wait to get to the future I framed in my mind. After evaluating my thoughts, I concluded that I imagined these things all for my selfish purposes.

I've said things like, 'I can't wait until the baby gets older so that we can sleep through the night again.' And 'I can't wait until he starts walking. ' And the latest exertion of my impatience," I cannot wait until Tim starts kindergarten."

Was I concerned about the development of his gross motor skills? No, I just got tired carrying around a 30 pound curious baby. Was I excitedly thinking about the milestone of beginning school and learning how to be independent? No, again. I thought about how it would free me up to work full time so that we can beef up our currently anorexic income.

I realize now that all of these fantasies came about because of desperation. Why else would a person want to get older? I was desperate to rest, desperate to get things done around the house. I am currently desperate to bring my bills up to date. Part of me feels guilty for thinking such things. I was told by people whose kids are all grown up numerous times to 'treasure this time" and to enjoy every stage in their development. The cliche 'we don't know what tomorrow might bring us' is true and nothing guarantees that I'll live to the future I so anxiously and carefully planned out for my self and my family.

I know where I should allocate my energy. It just seems like as of lately, I keep missing that target by a big range.

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